The roller coaster of Grief
Endless crying. Constant sobbing. Days laying in bed. Not being able to move due to depression. These were all the emotions I was waiting for after my brother passed on December 9, 2018. This is what I thought would happen as that’s how movies and TV shows portrayed people in grief. When you’ve never experienced something, you rely off what others have written or what has been portrayed in the media.
When those emotions didn’t come and my life kept moving forward, I began to feel a terrible sense of guilt. Why wasn’t I crying every second of everyday? Why could I get out of bed and go to work? With the sense of guilt rising, I asked my therapist in the Spring of 2019 about grief and why I wasn’t acting what I thought was “normal”? I remember her words exactly, “Grief happens in stages and there will be a time when it feels like you will hit a brick wall and can’t move.”
Phase 1: Anger
For the majority of 2019, internally, I was raging. I was desperately trying to find answers on why someone like James would take Oxycontin to feel "normal”. I was trying to understand addiction. Why it has ravaged our country like it has. I was mad because I was pissed at my brother. Pissed that he didn’t think about the consequences. Pissed that he acted so selfishly. Pissed that my son will never get to know his Uncle. Pissed that I have to hear my mom tear up anytime she just says his name.
What made me incredibly angry was that I could not get pass the night he died. The image of his lifeless body was seared into my head. I could not recall any stories about James. I tried to process memories to bring back his smiling face, funny things he did to make people laugh, but all I got was the night of December 9, trying to turn him over to see if he was alive but instead, seeing a purple, cold face. the life sucked out of my brother. PTSD I was told.
Phase 2: Routine
Following Christmas 2019, I was mentally exhausted from the previous year. I didn’t know what to do so I stopped trying to think about James. I was tired of trying to recall memories. I gave up, thinking those memories will never be restored. I just wanted a normal routine like the one before James passed. I continued to move forward with work and Henry’s Uncle. I was finding answers about addiction through interviewing people for the Henry’s Uncle podcast. I was able to get back into a routine of life until COVID-19 hit.
Phase 3: Depression
Death. Destruction. Drugs. Money. Addiction. Greed. When you read books, watch documentaries, and listen to people about the opioid crisis, those 6 words are the main themes that come up. Its sad, frustrating, and at times, very debilitating. This whole crisis did not have to happen. Millions of lives did not have to be lost or destroyed. We have medical professionals and advocates who understand addiction. They know what works and what doesn’t. We have medicine available to help people suffering from this debilitating disease, and yet, roadblocks still exist because politicians, the FDA, and DEA think they know best.
In May 2020, I shut down. I stopped doing podcasts, I stopped writing, and I stopped reading about the opioid crisis. I couldn’t take the depression any longer. Yes, the uncertainty of the coronavirus did play a small role in all of this, but I was finally feeling that brick wall laying on my chest. I was mentally done with Henry’s Uncle for a while. I knew I needed to take a step back and focus on my family and my mental health and that’s what I did.
Phase 4: The Brick Wall
For the past 6 weeks, that infamous brick wall finally hit me. Oh it hit me! It hit me over and over again. I was tired, sad, depressed, emotional, but finally, I began feeling rejuvenated. I began recalling some memories of James. I can finally think about him before the night I found him. I felt motivated again about technology and dove head first into building a new website, eCommerce store, and online ordering functionality for a bakeshop. The fun part about this new site is I get to work with one of James’ dear friend. It’s like the old times but in a new way.
Phase 5: Moving Forward
I have come to realize that grief is like a dance. It is the leader and you are the follower. You need to feel where the grief is leading you because it wants to help you, not hurt you. For the longest time, I resisted. I wanted to be the leader. In taking advice from a good friend, Lance Orton, I surrendered to the grief. Once I surrendered, I was able to grieve properly.
Lastly
Please know that grief is different for everyone. Do not feel guilty for how you are grieving. Grief will come in waves and different emotions will be felt. Take those emotions in and process them. Do not push grief away.